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- Keeping plans with a friend when you’re emotionally spent may seem impossible, but flaking can harm the friendship.
- In a time when loneliness is increasing, wondering how often you can cancel on a friend and the best ways to do it is not trivial.
We’ve all been there: You’ve made plans with a friend and been looking forward to the get-together all day. Maybe you turned down other invitations to keep this commitment or you’re just excited to spend time with someone you like. You’re standing in front of your closet deciding what to wear when suddenly your phone dings: “Hey. I’ve had the longest day and I feel like I just need to be in my pajamas,” a text message from your friend reads. “Let’s try again soon!”
Oof. You’ve just been flaked on and it hurts.
“It feels like rejection and nobody wants to feel that,” said Danielle Jackson, a friendship coach in Tampa, Fla., and author of the book “Fighting for our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships.” “You wonder if the person is invested in you or respects your time. And you may feel you are not going to put yourself in that situation again.”
It’s been 35 years since “When Harry Met Sally” made the case that men and women can’t be friends because “the sex part always gets in the way.” Is that still true?
It’s totally understandable to feel angry, hurt or embarrassed when someone flakes on you, and you might want to write that person out of your life entirely. But not all flaking is the same. I talked to some friends about flaking, asking them how many times is too many times for someone to cancel a plan, and found that, as with everything in life, context matters.
One friend shared that when it comes to one of her best friends from childhood, there is no limit to the number of times they cancel on each other. “Every time we make a plan I know there’s only a 50% chance it will actually happen,” she said. “But I’ve known her for 30 years. We will be friends forever.”
Molly, who, like me, is in her late 40s and is the busiest person I know, said the older she gets, the less upset she feels when people cancel on her, even when it means derailing her carefully arranged schedule.
“I’ve come to realize that when somebody flakes, it’s usually not about me,” she said. “People can’t keep plans for so many different reasons — they probably just have some [stuff] going on.”
My friend Carol offered a similarly nuanced take.
“It depends on the background of the friendship and if they earned the right to flake,” she said. “And that’s tenure and showing up for the big things.”
I respect these friends’ patience and understanding, but personally, I agree with my friend Laura’s perspective.
“My time feels very valuable to me, and I’m very discerning about how much of it I give and who I give it to,” she told me. “Generally speaking it’s hard for me with my personality to get really close with unreliable people.”
Stephanie took an even more hard-line stance: “I tend to feel like grit and effort are admirable traits and I feel a little allergic to self-indulgence in general,” she said. “So if someone is a self-care queen, we’re not going to be a good match.”
Figuring out how you feel about flaking — whether you’re thinking about flaking or if you’re the person being flaked on — is hardly trivial. A growing number of studies over the past two decades have demonstrated that healthy friendships play an important role in both well-being and longevity. They have shown that people with close friends are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression. They are also less likely to die from all causes including heart problems and a range of chronic diseases. If making and maintaining close friends are a pathway to health and happiness, then it’s useful to understand how canceling on people and being canceled on by others impacts these relationships.
Researchers have also noted that at the same time that Americans, and particularly young Americans, are experiencing high amounts of loneliness, the ease with which people cancel plans to tend to their own well-being appears to be growing. TikTok is filled with Gen Z guidance on setting boundaries and the internet has no shortage of memes touting the joy of canceling plans.
How can you help a friend going through a painful breakup? Experts say show up, offer support and definitely don’t bash the ex.
But while there may be a real personal cost to keeping a dinner date with a friend when you’re tired, overwhelmed or emotionally spent, there can be serious costs to breaking that commitment as well.
“Yes, you can always change your mind when you make a plan, but you may not like what happens as a result,” said Mia Schachter, an intimacy coordinator and consent educator. “If it’s important to you that your friends think you’re reliable and a person of your word, then even if you don’t have the energy right now, you may need to push yourself beyond your capacity for the greater good of something you ultimately believe is important.”
It’s also true that no matter how dedicated we are to our friendships, there are times when we have to cancel plans. When that’s the case, friendship researchers say there are ways to cancel that are less likely to damage the relationship.
In a survey of 1,192 people, Michigan State University Professor Bill Chopik and his students asked respondents to share how upset they feel when someone cancels on them and which cancellations are the least hurtful and annoying. In a 2023 paper, they shared the following takeaways: If you have to cancel plans with someone but want to preserve the friendship, don’t cancel at the last minute, don’t lie about it and make sure you have a good reason for canceling.
And for those times when we are canceled on ourselves, experts say we might offer our friends grace, especially if they apologize and try to repair the situation.
As Jackson, the friendship coach, explained, if someone cancels on you and says, ‘I’m the worst, this is a weird week, but does next Thursday at 6 work?’ this person is acknowledging they probably put you out and disappointed you, and also demonstrating that they really do want to see you another time.
“That’s a completely different tone than ‘Life happens,’” she said.
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